Shion's SURPRISE!
by Luna-Starr
Summary: Sequeal to SURPRISE, yes u read correctly:: Uhoh! Shion's birthday? Watch as Allen races to find the perfect gift, Canaan gets new clothes and Chaos plots revenage on them all!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga…

Luna: The question on everyone's mind must be this: With the ending of SURPRISE how could I have possibly made a sequel? Well…you'll just have to read and see. And if your reading this and haven't read SURPRISE yet, I suggest you stop reading NOW. To understand the humor in this story you have to read SURPRISE first! Okay, here's the 1st chapter!

Chapter 1: PANIC!

" What a weird dream…" muttered Allen, " Everyone was in it, too. I wish the last part was true, though…"  
He rubbed the sleepyness from his eyes as a pig with wings flew past him.

Then it hit him.

It wasn't a dream.

Except, the part when Shion said she loved him.

It all came back to him, slowly. It happened yesterday when the Durandal picked them up at the beach for Jr.'s actual surprise party. Shion thought he was still a jerk after attempting to act macho and he hit the bottle. In other words, our little Allen got piss drunk; blacked out and some how ended up in his bed.

" Wow, I must've drank a lot to black out like that," said Allen, to himself, " Not to mention the killer hangover. I hope I didn't make too much of a fool of myself at the party…"

Little did our meek engineer know, he took exactly 2 sips of beer, got blasted and 'boogied'. He shook his butt, did hi-kicks, and generally made a total and complete fool of himself, especially when he put the lampshade on his head. Also, Jr. got it all on tape and it was currently circulating around the internet.

But Allen didn't know.

Yet.

Allen's eyes lingered on the calendar, memory still fuzzy.

" I was supposed to remember something…" he said out loud, " I can't remember…my head…"

Then he noticed the letter on the dresser. It said: Yo, Allen! We're calling an emergency meeting in my room about Shion's birthday. Hurry and get there! P.S Awesome Drunken Jig!-Jr.

Allen was puzzled over the 'drunken jig' comment, but the other fact sunk in.

" Shion's birthday…is TOMORROW!" screamed Allen, remembering, " PANIC!"

" That's my line," said Ziggy, entering Allen's room; carrying a stack of papers.

" Oh, hey Ziggy," said Allen, " I just remembered the Chief's birthday is tomorrow and I totally forgot! PANIC! PANICCC!"

" You still have a day," said Ziggy, " That should be ample time to buy Shion a gift."

" True…" said Allen.

Perhaps it all was a dream after all. Ziggy was certainly back to his old self, no more episodes with weird pigs with wings happening, so maybe…

" Here, Allen," said Ziggy, handing him a stack of flyers, " Give this to every living person you see."

" Uh…Okay.." replied Allen.

Ziggy nodded and exited.

Allen got a good look at the flyer. It said:

HELP! Pig with Wings lost!

Answers to the name Porky, last seen yesterday. If found, contact Ziggaurt 8 at 555-555-55.

BIG REWARD!

Allen blinked.

That was as much evidence as he needed to prove that those events yesterday did infact happen, as surreal as it seemed.

With a sigh, Allen walked out; and began his walk to Jr.'s room.

****

Meanwhile…

" SHION!" cried Miyuki.

" Oh, hi Miyuki," said Shion, in greeting.

" So who are you inviting to your b-day party?" asked Miyuki, innocently.

" I'm not having a party this year. I think I out grown kiddie-parties and playing pin-the-tail on the donkey."

" Oh…Well, let's say someone's throwing you a surprise party, who isn't me; and wants to know the guest list. Who would you invite?"

" I see…I would invite the whole gang! Even Canaan, on condition that he wears a different outfit."

" Even that crazy chaos guy?" asked Miyuki, in shock.

" Yeah, it's not like him to hold grudges and plot revenge. I bet he's forgotten all about it now…"

****

Meanwhile…

" Now its time we hold an eternal grudge and plot revenge on Shion and Co. for humiliating me!" cried Chaos, evilly.

Nephillim appeared again, chuckling.

" Nephillim! Have you come to hear my plot of sweet revenge on Shion and her gang?" asked Chaos, smiling.

" Yes and no," she replied.

" Huh? Which is it?"

" Maybe."  
" That's not an answer! Dammnit, Shion was right! You are annoying and cryptic!"

" I'm sorry, Chaos," said Nephillim, " I just wanted to inform you of Allen's drunken jig. It was quite funny."

" Oh. I AM CHAOS! HEAR MY PLAN!" shouted Chaos.

" Okay."

" It involves a very special birthday cake. Did I mention, special?"

" They were right," she replied, " You ARE losing your touch."

" SHUTUP! My plan is perfect! MWAHAHA!"

Luna: Sorry if I confused anyone! But to make it clear, it wasn't a dream; Allen just thought it was cause of his hangover. Anyway I hoped you all liked it! Review! Next Chapter: Allen goes on a Shopping Spree! And the next chapter shall be longer!


	2. Allen's shopping spree!

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga!

Luna: Here is Chapter 2! Thanks for all your reviews!

Chapter 2: Allen goes on a shopping spree.

Allen had finally made it to Jr.'s room, the last one there. He had passed out all the flyers he had, and people kept laughing…_At me…hey but maybe I'm being overly paranoid again, _thought Allen.

" HELLO, ALLEN!" cried MOMO, as every ear drum within 3 miles shattered.

Allen stood very, very still. Maybe if he made no sudden movements, she'd go away.

" Allen, are you DEAF?" she shouted.

__

Well, I am now…hethought.

Before he could reply, run away, get into fetal position or do all of the above, Jr. interrupted.

" Allen! Guess what? To make buying gifts easier, we're pairing into groups of 2! And you got Canaan!" said Jr.

" What? Why?" protested Canaan.

" Because you both contribute a lot to the team," said Jr., snickering, " Your both important in this party, Shion is gonna be looking forward to it."  
" Well, at least he's not MOMO…" mumbled Allen, " But what am I going to buy the chief? PANIC!"

" It would be quite sufficient if you were to address the opinions of your peers on the matter," said KOS-MOS.

" Oh, good idea!" said Allen, in mid-panic mode.

" I am happy to be of service," said KOS-MOS, and walked away.

" KOS-MOS!" cried MOMO, " We're partners! COME BACK!"

Allen felt bad for her until he remembered she was an android and androids couldn't be annoyed or mad. Or so he thought.

" Jr., what should I get for the Chief that's cheap and affordable?" asked Allen.

" Well, you seem cheap and desperate enough so listen closely." said Jr., " Buy a ribbon."

"…Huh?"

" Put it on your head."

" Wait, What?"

" And say, 'I'm your present, Shion. Open me!" cried Jr.

Allen blushed furiously and said, " I-I can't do that, she already thinks I'm a jerk and plus I'm 8 dollars poorer because of it."

At the mention of 8 dollars, Canaan whistled innocently and looked at his feet.

" Whatever, man," said Jr., " It's not like anyone went out of their way for my birthday."

" Hey, it took Allen exactly 5 minutes to find-er, buy your gifts," said Canaan, breezily, " And besides, Allen's not in love with you and doesn't follow you around like a puppy all day…Does he?"

" What? No!" said Allen, " Absolutely not! And I don't follow the Chief all the time!"  
" And you have a pet name for her…no more like a commanding title," mused Canaan, " Well, we can see who wears the pants in that relationship."

Jr. chuckled, " Yeah, he is kinda girly…"

" No I'm not! I'm a man!" cried Allen, defensively.

" Whining isn't exactly manly," said Canaan, quietly.

" You used to be so quiet, what happened?" asked Allen, desperate.

Canaan shrugged and walked out of the room, Allen behind him; fuming.

" Later, Canaan, Allenia," said Jr., still chuckling.

Allen stalked off in a bitter silence as people pointed and laughed at him. Canaan, for once; broke the silence.

" Why'd she invite me? Or us secondary characters? We were just like wall paper in the game," said Canaan.

" Nu-uh!" I said, intervening , " You were like pretty, distracting wall paper! And Allen…was there."

" Hey, we're more than secondary characters to Shion; we're her friends!" said Allen, ignoring me completely, " Or maybe she just wants extra gifts…who am I kidding? No matter what I get her, she'll never love me."  
" Maybe she will," replied Canaan.

" Really?"

" Nah. Not likely."

They began their trek to the Durandal's mall, as Allen was positive people were looking at him funny…and they broke into dancing. Along the way they bumped into Ziggy.

" Ziggy! Do you know what I should get Shion for her birthday?" asked Allen.

" Hmm…a flying pig," suggested Ziggy.

" A…flying pig?"

" Yeah, woman love them. And if she doesn't , give PORKY TO ME!"  
With those words, Ziggy pinned Allen to the ground screaming, " YOU PIG-NAPPED HIM! OR YOU MADE HIM INTO BACON! I KNOW YOU DID!"

" N-No! I would never do that!" cried Allen, trying to get up.

The whole time, Canaan was watching with disinterest.

" You made that rude remark of Porky being dinner last time!" said Ziggy, tightening his grip on him, " You-You heathen!"

" It was…a j-joke!" said Allen, panicking, " Canaan! Help!"

" Say the magic words," said Canaan, running his hand through his locks.

" Please?"

By this time, Ziggy was strangling him.

Canaan didn't move.

" O…open sesame?"

Canaan looked at his finger nails.

" Eight dollars!"

With a blink of an eye, Ziggy was thrown across the street. Allen handed Canaan another eight bucks for his services, grumbling all the way. The 2 idiots managed to get as far away as possible from Ziggy.

" Canaan, what would you get Shion?" asked Allen.

" Socks."

" That's…thoughtful…"

Allen walked into the jewelry store casually.

" What about that?" asked Canaan, pointing an emerald necklace surrounded by diamonds.

Allen stared. It was 200 thousand dollars. He wasn't as much as a sucker as everyone thought to get that, and he was strapped for cash.

" Or I can get that!" cried Allen.

Right beside that was a bunch of Zohar necklace replicas, on sale for 2.99. Fake gold, plastic. Wait…I think it was fake plastic, too.

" Cheap," mumbled Canaan, as Allen purchased the wonderful gift.

" And I hear this from the guy who is going to buy her socks?" growled Allen.

" Okay, number 1, socks cost 5 dollars. Number 2, I'm not buying fake Cuban Zirocan for the girl I love," said Canaan.

" Cuban Zirocan is fake diamond! DIAMOND!" shouted Allen.

Luna: Chapter Done! Next: Jin shops! For 2 seconds! Reviews, please.


	3. Jin shops! For 2 seconds!

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga.

Luna: YAY! More reviews! Sorry for the slow update…I'll try to update quicker.

Chapter 3: Jin shops! For 2 seconds!

Jin hated this time of year. Specifically because it was Shion's birthday. She was picky about all her gifts, especially when Jin was the buyer.

For example, one year Jin bought her a juicer. And Shion said, " So your saying I'm fat and should make shakes with vegetables so I lose weight, huh? Gee, thanks."

Another year Jin bought her a silver bracelet and Shion's comment was, " I'm only worth silver to you, is that it? You allowed Feb, Celiecy ,Cathe and Mom to die, and you can't even get me a decent gift!"

So Jin decided to get her a special book. Totally forgetting that Shion wasn't a big of fan of books and how he couldn't read good.

Since it was his store, Jin didn't have to pay. A money saver as well as a convenience.

One book that caught his eye had the 'curry' in the title. Jin, of course, couldn't read the rest of the title to know what it said. Because the book's title said : ' 100 recipes on how you can make your curry tasteful and look less like mud.'

Poor, stupid Jin.

****

Meanwhile…

" Hey, KOS-MOS, isn't the most cutest, fluffiest stuffed animal you ever did see?" asked MOMO, clutching the stuffed animal, assuring that if it was alive, it would've suffocated by now.

" That's the 15.4th time you said that, therefore it can't be anymore, therefore it can't be anymore 'cuter and fluffier' than the other 15 you said that to," said KOS-MOS, " Cuteness is irreverent."

" But I named him Mr. Muffin and he's so LOVEABLE!" cried MOMO.

" Our objective is to search for a bunny stuffed animal for Shion's birthday," said KOS-MOS, " Cuteness doesn't matter."

MOMO shoved the stuffed dog into KOS-MOS's face, saying, " AWW! You hurt his feelings!"

" Stuffed animals have no emotions, therefore I could not of hurt what doesn't exist," stated KOS-MOS, trying to push away the acclaimed Mr. Muffin.

But MOMO was persistent. Very persistent.

" Come on, give Mr. Muffin a hug! You know you want to!" said MOMO, shoving the stuffed creature in her face even more.

KOS-MOS didn't understand. There was no logical explanation for MOMO' s behavior. And for the first time, she felt a tiny spark of anger.

In a fluid motion, she scooped up Mr. Muffin and ripped its head off.

" I suggest that you remain silent unless you wish to meet a similar fate to that of Mr. Muffin," said KOS-MOS, calmly.

MOMO only nodded, traumatized.

****

Back to Canaan…

" I think…I should get Shion something else," said Allen.

" You really think so?" asked Canaan, rolling his eyes.

" Maybe…Luna!" shouted Allen, figuring that the weird disembodied voice was real, too.

" What?" I asked, " You rang?"

" Yeah, um, what do you think I should get Shion?" asked Allen.

" Hm. This is a crazy notion, but maybe you should ask her?" I suggested.

" What, are you insane?" asked Allen, " Ask her? Ha! Big help you are."

" Gee, sorry. Hi Canaan!" I said, and waved.

Canaan looked around frantically to see the speaker, but couldn't find me. Ah, the quirks of being invisible… Canaan shook his pretty head and made his way to the men's department store.

" What are we here for?" asked Allen.

" Shion said that as part of her 'present', I have to wear something different to her party," said Canaan, " That way I don't have to get her an actual gift."

" Right…" said Allen, but followed him anyway because he had nothing better to do with his time.

The 2 men searched for a new outfit for what seemed like an eternity. Everything was either 'too baggy' or 'too short' or 'too colorful' or 'too morbid'. I helpfully suggested he wear a fish net tank top or just go shirtless, but he freaked out asking if I was Albedo.

Then, Canaan finally saw it.

An outfit that was made for him.

It looked exactly like his uniform except one, tiny detail. The zipper and cufflinks were gold. He immediately bought it.

" That's exactly like your old outfit!" said Allen, exasperated.

Canaan pointed to the zipper.

" Well, that changes everything," said Allen, with a sigh.

Canaan grabbed some socks on his way out, completing his gift for Shion.

On the way out, Allen bumped into KOS-MOS and MOMO. MOMO was being unusually quiet, and Allen knew better than to ask why.

" Hello, Allen and Canaan," said KOS-MOS, " Have your attempts at finding presents for Shion fruitful?"

" I guess so," said Allen.

" Why does one have a birthday?" she asked.

" To mark when you were born and age. Except Realians. They don't have birthdays."

MOMO and Canaan glared at him.

" Then…I cannot have one?"

" Nope, sorry. And what are you two complaining about?" asked Allen, " You want to get old, wrinkled, become senile, wear human diapers and die cold and alone? Most people wish they never age!"

" Huh. Has a point," said Canaan, " Never realized how mad at the world you are, though."

" But…I want to be a big girl!" complained MOMO.

" As Allen would state, 'too bad'" said KOS-MOS, " Besides, 75 year old Realians are highly ineffective."

" But-" she began.

" Mr. Muffin!"

MOMO shrunk back in fear.

Luna: Next Chappie: Shion's SURPRISE!


	4. Shion's SURPRISE!

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga.

Luna: Get ready for disturbing images and stupidity! And as for KOS-MOS blackmailing MOMO for the whole story, you'll just have to wait and see! Here it is, CHAPTER 4!

Chapter 4: Shion's SURPRISE!

Allen finally decided to get Shion a sappy card and go home.

There he stayed pacing the floors, wondering if Shion would ever love him. And he panicked until the next day, and soon it was time to get ready for the surprise party.

Canaan arrived at the party, socks in tow. He was wearing his snazzy new uniform and began wondering why he bothered coming.

" Hi Canaan!" cried a black haired girl, " I love your new uniform!"

" Hi…er…person." said Canaan.

" I'm Miyuki!" said Miyuki.

" Uh, hi." said Canaan, " You know me, how?"

" You're a secondary character, and we're forming a secondary character alliance!" said Miyuki, " And one day, when those self-centered main characters least expect it, we'll _strike! _Then, I'll be the main character, and it'll be called 'Zenosaga!'"

" That's great," said Canaan, backing away, " I think I'm going to go away now…"

Canaan took in his surroundings of the party hall. It had a bar, DJ, dance floor and many tables to seat the guests. In the middle was a large cake, soon to be the scene of many a disturbing sight. But not now.

Chaos was smiling proudly at the cake.

" Chaos!" screamed Canaan, " What are you doing here?"

" Shion invited me," answered Chaos, " And that's my present right there, the cake."

" I would take you out, right here. Right now. But it would cramp my style," said Canaan, smoothly, " And I have to go hide."

" Later then," said Chaos, " I AM CHAOS! WATCH ME HIDE STEALTHLY!"

With those words, Chaos leaned against a wall. Canaan found the perfect hiding spot; under the table. The lights went out as Jin shouted, " I am your DJ for this evening, and we've received word that Shion is coming in. Hide! And smiles, smiles people!"

The doors were flung open, the lighting still dim so you couldn't make out the figure's face.

" SURPRISE!" chorused several voices.

The cake exploded. Out popped a man wearing nothing but a bow-tie and a sparkly underwear. The man began dancing next to the figure, who screamed and backed away.

" WHOA!" screamed Jin, " WHOA!"

He managed to flick on the lights to reveal the identity of the dancer and the victim. The half-naked dancer was Albedo. The mentally scarred for life victim was Allen. Just as this thoughts sunk in, Shion came in; and witnessed the scene.

" Wait…your not Shion!" cried Albedo.

" I-I know…" said a breathless Allen, still backing up against the nearest wall.

" What the hell?" cried Shion and Jr. at the same time.

" I have to make money somehow, Rubedo," said Albedo, defensively, " I don't get paid for abusing you or torturing Realians, unfortunately."  
A Kirsschawer that I will name Sally, because I can't spell Kirschawass-, uh, forget it. Anyway, Sally, the special realian; walks in as well.

She sees Albedo in his 'day job' and Allen against the wall, so she screams, " You get away from my Alby!"

" You can take him, please," said Allen.

" He's mine! MINE! Come on, Alby," said Sally.

" Wait! I have to collect my tips!" he said, annoyed, " You don't just find dancing talent on the street, you know."

" If I pay you, will you go away?" asked Allen.

" Depends…"

Allen shelled out 8 dollars, and Albedo snatched the money and skipped off.

" Well…this is…interesting," said Jin, on the mircophone, " Anyway, buffets open."

At the sound of free food, everyone ran to the buffet as if they were starved for weeks.

Canaan, who'd been under the table for some time now, missed the whole thing. He was grabbed by his wrists and led away by a raving, power hungry lunatic known as Miyuki.

" You'll star in Zenosaga with me!" she demanded, " And Shion will see how much a star I am and how THEY SHOULD'VE PICKED ME! I'm much prettier, smarter, nicer and far more intelligent than her!"

Poor Canaan was kidnapped. And Allen was mentally disturbed. And Ziggy just walked in. And there was still 3 more hours of the party left. Plenty of time for our hero, Allen, to screw up big time.

Luna: YAY! DONE! Here's next Chapter: 'Zenosaga' I know this chapter was a bit short, but the next will be longer and better! REVIEW!


	5. Zenosaga

Disclaimer: This may come as the ultimate shocker…but I DON'T OWN XENOSAGA! I also don't own the brand jello.

Luna: As promised this chapter will be longer to make up for the shortness of the last one! Enjoy! Chapter 5: Zenosaga

Proud of his gift he gave to Shion, Chaos decided to give Shion another gift. He made his way to the dessert bar, grabbed some green jello and whipped cream. So, you say, What's the big deal? Chaos is just going to eat a nice dessert, right? Wrong.

He took his jello to Shion's seat and got to work.

****

Meanwhile…

Shion was confused.

A half-naked Albedo had popped out of a giant cake and was dancing…er…suggestively around Allen. Allen, who was now eating green jello.

" Happy birthday!" cried Ziggy, " Have you seen Porky?"

" No…" she answered, knowing better not to question the cyborg's strange obsession with the pig.

" Oh…Hey! A buffet!" said Ziggy, brightening.

Shion was about to tell him that since he was a cyborg that he couldn't eat, but why spoil his fun?  
Albedo moved next to Shion and began dancing. Or having a seizure. Depending on what angle you were looking at him from.

" Feel the groove of U-DO!" cackled Albedo, doing the hokey-pokey.

" What?" asked Shion.

" Feel the groove of U-DO!"

" Do what?"

" U-DO!"

" I do what?"  
" No! U-DO! The evil thing that made Gnosis…and stuff."

" Who? I most certainly do not _do _anybody!"

" Are we talking about the same thing here?"

" I…don't know."

" Yes, you do!"

" ARGHHH!"

Fuming, Shion decided to take her seat. Or kick Albedo in the crouch. Despite how she was tempted to do the 2nd choice, that crazy Realian; Sally, was hovering about. Shion wasn't really into getting into a brawl on her birthday. So she took her seat. The minute she sat down, something wasn't right. The seat was…squishy and cold. Shion shot up and looked at her chair.

The chair was covered in green jello.

And most of it now took residence on her butt.

The one person seen with such an offensive dessert was Allen. And Shion raced up to him, in a rage.

" Allen!" cried Shion.

She slapped him, causing Allen to drop his wonderful dessert.

" Ow! What was that for?" asked a bewildered and jello deprived Allen.

" Take a good look at this!" she cried, and pointed to her green stained backside.

Allen stared.

" No! Perv!" said Shion, and smacked him, " You put it there! And now its all over me!"

" I swear I didn't, Chief!" said Allen, about to cry.

Shion responded by kicking him in the shin, which sent Allen flying headfirst into the punch bowl. Which made several bystanders back away so not to incur the wrath of Shion.

****

Lets see what happened to Canaan…What? You don't care? TOO BAD!

Canaan found himself on the Elsa again, along with his fellow basically useless characters : Hammer, Tony, Captain, Shelly, Mary, Miyuki and that Helmer guy.

" Here's your roles!" cried Miyuki, each handing them a sheet of paper, " Shelly, your TOS-WOS, the android; Mary's DODO, The Captain's Miggy, Hammer's junior and Canaan's calamity. Oh, and Helmer's a random Gnosis. And I'm Ghion! Act one, scene 2. ACTION!"

With those words, the tape began recording. Ghion shouted, " Help! TOS-WOS! A Gnosis!"

The 'Gnosis' was actually Helmer with a sheet over his head. Spooky.

Shelly, decked out in silver aluminum foil, shouted, " Stand back, Ghion."

She punched Helmer, uh, I mean; the Gnosis, lightly.

" Ouch!" screamed Helmer, and fell backwards.

" Thank you, TOS-WOS," said Ghion, and faked a smile.

" I am calamity," recited Canaan, blanky, " Insert profound phrase here."

" Cut!" screamed Ghion, " Your supposed to say something profound!"

" Don't poke cactus, their pricky, " said Canaan, " And don't drink smoothies too fast, or you'll get a brain freeze."

" Ugh. It'll have to do." said Ghion, with a sigh.

****

Back to the actual party…

Chaos grabbed large portions of food to eat. And he purposely sprinkled crumbles where ever he went. Chaos shoved food down his throat, digested, and looked for more victims.

He saw Allen and Jr. at the bar, and got close enough to eavesdrop.

" Come on!" cried Jr., " I want liquor! Booze! Alcohol! I'm twenty frigin seven!"

" Sorry kid," said the barkeep, " I can give you a Shirley Temple, though."

" No!" said Jr., pissed, " I want BOOZE! I've been 12 for 14 years. 14!"

" Uh…I think you had enough," said the barkeep.

" What? I haven't even gotten drunk yet!"

" But you sure act like it."

" Shutup!" cried Jr., " I'll just have the damn Shirley Temple."

Allen began gulping down massive amounts of beer. Okay, 2 swings.

Suspecting Allen was already under the influence, Chaos kindly suggested, " Allen, I bet Shion would love it if you did some karaoke in her name."

" Sounds great!" said Allen, and staggered off in a drunken stupor for the nearest microphone.

Luna: Okay, next Chapter is : Allen plus singing equals BAD.


	6. Allen plus singing equals BAD

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga, the song lyrics or rights to the song " Lonely" or anything else, like that verse from that other song that I can't even remember the name of.

Luna: SORRY! Its been a long while since I updated due to writer's block and lack of reviews and other projects…Just read! And this would've been up a lot sooner if ALLOWED ME TO POST! It kept saying something about HTML over load…or something.

Chapter 6: Allen plus singing equals BAD

Allen stumbled to the microphone, grinning.

" What are you doing?" asked Jin, confused.

" I'm gonna sing a song for Shion!" said Allen, " To confess my love for her!"  
" Uh…okay." said Jin, " But I had absolutely nothing to do with this."

Allen grabbed the microphone and tapped it.

" Testing, 1...3...78...9 " slurred Allen.

Everyone turned to stare at Allen, who gave an idiotic smile and waved.

" This song is dedicated to a very special lady," said Allen, who jerked his head to Shion and winked.

" This means all cameras and videotapes should be taken out now for blackmail purposes," said Jin.

" But!" piped up MOMO from a distance, " Cameras and videotapes don't exist!"

" They do now!" I shouted.

" Creepy voice!" cried MOMO, and hid under a nearby table.

Music blared as Allen sang, " I'm so lonely, I am so lonely, I have nobody to call my own…Listen up you players. I woke up one morning after a massive hangover and thought last night was a twisted dream. Then it was a twisted dream. Then I realized it was true, I played Shion the whole way through. I was acting a fool, calling her 'Chief' then one think led to another; got drunk and passed out. I am so lonely. I have nobody, to call my own…"

Shion blushed and shrunk in her seat.

" Shionn…" slurred Allen, " I love-"

Suddenly, he collapsed in a drunken heap.

Silence fell over the room.

" Ladies and Gentlemen, a round of applause for Allen!" said Jin, faking a smile.

People cautiously clapped, as Chaos ran off to grab Allen and embarrass him some more.

****

Meanwhile…

Albedo was helping himself to some pigs in a blanket at the buffet.

" Hey, what's this?" asked Ziggy, behind him.

" Pigs in a blanket," answered everyone's favorite, sadistic madman.

" What? They KILLED PORKY!" screamed Ziggy.

" Pigs in a blanket is actually just hot dogs wrapped in a flaky, crispy layer," said Albedo.

" You KILLED PORKY!" screamed Ziggy.

Ziggy tackled Albedo who landed on the floor with a thud.

" This is for pig-napping!" he cried, landing a punch.

Albedo struggled but couldn't move. They were in an…awkward position.

" This is for eating Porky!"

Another punch.

" And this is for me running out of lines to say!"

A third punch.

" STOP!" cried a voice.

A voice that pierced through everyone's ears, shattering glass and eardrum alike. A sound that paralyzed everyone to the spot.

" MOMO?" asked Ziggy.

" No! Stop!" she cried, " We're all best friends! Forever! Like me and Canaan!"

" What!" asked Canaan, " I have basically nothing to do with anything, why am I ALWAYS mentioned?"  
MOMO responded by hugging our pretty little Realian, and said, " Cause we're Realians!"

" But…he ate Porky!" protested Ziggy.

" Oh. In that case, ATTACK!" screeched MOMO.

" Wait!" said Albedo, " I'm not that bad of a guy! I like pina-colas and getting caught in the rain! And poetry…Ah…poetry. Like emotional verses such as Cat is Fat, Cat lays on Mat. Cat chases Rat that gets bludgeoned with a Bat!"

Everyone blinked. Jin shed a tear and clapped. While everyone was either moved by Albedo's very emotional poetry or confused by it, he took off. Ziggy and MOMO ran close behind, along with random other people who mistook it for a Conga line.

Luna: Special Thanks to anyone who still bothers to read and/ or review it. Next Chapter: The ancient Ritual of Gift Opening.


	7. The Ancient Ritual Of Gift Opening

Disclaimer: No! I don't own XENOSAGA! Or Namco. In any way. Shape. Or Form.

Luna: WOW! A LOT OF REVIEWS! Thank you all for your reviews:: sheds a tear of happiness: Now its time for THE ANCIENT RITUAL OF GIFT OPENING! DUN DUN DUN.

Chapter 7: The Ancient Ritual Of Gift Opening

" Everyone gather together for the best part of the party! Gift opening!" cried Jin.

Shion smiled brightly, unaware of the total amount of suck that was going to happen.

Jin also was aware of how doomed he was. MOMO and Ziggy returned from chasing a scantily clad Albedo, and MOMO was overjoyed. Then again, when wasn't she overjoyed?

" Shion!" cried MOMO, " Open my present first!"

Jin sighed in relief as Shion grabbed the box from MOMO's outstretched hands. She ripped through the paper like a rabid animal on crack, to find the contents to be a stuffed animal. A fluffy, dog stuffed animal. With it's head ripped clean off.

" Thanks MOMO," said Shion, faking a smile, " It's…nice."  
" His name is Mr. Muffin!" gushed MOMO, proudly, " And he's part of the 'oh-so-soft-and-sweet-that-you-suddenly-have-an-urge-to-puke' collection."  
KOS-MOS was next in line to hand over her gift.

" An item to celebrate the day of your creation," said KOS-MOS, " Although celebrating such a day is pointless since all humans were born to die; therefore you'll die cold, alone and afraid-"

" Okay! WE get it! Now shut up, kill joy…" said Shion, rolling her eyes.

She opened the box and gasped.

To give this story a suspenseful feel, we'll take a short break and spy on Allen's demise. What's that you say? You don't care about Allen? Well, honestly, I don't either. But this is an attempt to spice things up, so just pretend to care.

****

Meanwhile…

Chaos was in the men's bathroom with a knocked out Allen. All alone. Chaos ripped off Allen's clothes, excited about-wait! It's not what you think, I swear!

Chaos slipped a dress on Allen, a kinky, red polka dotted one. Then he sloppily applied mascara and red lipstick on him. And planned to humiliate him, publicly.

Ha! And you all thought it was something else, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!

With a malicious grin, Chaos dragged Allen back to the party and left him there.

****

At the party…

It was her old glasses, good as new.

" But how?" asked Shion, " Allen crushed them with his incredibly large feet!"

" Using my T-ARTS 3437483784395938-" began KOS-MOS.

" Huh?"  
" I repaired them."

" But I don't need them now, I'm cool!" said Shion, " Cool people don't need glasses."  
" Or maybe its because Namco tried to get Shion to look 'hotter' by making her eyesight suddenly better so more people would buy it," I said, " But I would've bought it if Canaan's face was on the cover…"

" THE VOICE!" cried Jin, " IT HAS COME TO INVOKE JUDGEMENT UPON US ALL!"

Everyone ignored him.

" How does 'coolness' affect one's vision?" asked KOS-MOS.

Jin was next on the roulette of death known as 'presenting Shion with a gift.'

Shion's face fell when she saw it was a book. And then she read the title.

" JIN! YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!" she screamed.

But before Jin's life came to an abrupt end, Jr. noticed something.

" Hey! Who's that pretty girl?" asked Jr., pointing.

That pretty girl was wearing a red-polka dotted dress. And that pretty 'girl' wasn't a girl at all. It was Allen.

Allen was fully awake, and still a tad tipsy.

" Hey…you people…" he slurred.

" Wait…you're a…man?" asked Jr. in shock.

" Allen, that's an interesting choice of attire," said Jin, " Come and present your gift. HURRY!"

" You're a man." repeated Jr., in shock.

Allen stumbled to Shion, everyone snickering about Allen's interesting clothes. Shion sighed. She should've known this would happen.

" You're a man." repeated Jr., again; as if to justify it.

Allen handed her the gift, and Jr. said , " You're a man."  
" WE GET IT!" hollered Ziggy, " Allen is a man, no FREAKING duh!"  
Jr. ran off in horror, realizing that he called a man in drag 'pretty'.

Shion opened the present, and stared. It was the Zohar necklace, no surprise there. But she just kept staring at it, without a word. Allen had begun to sober up, and noticed this.

" Shion, what's wrong?" he asked.

" You, you're sick!" she said, finally, " I can't believe you! The Zohar was were Feb's sister's were trapped in, all disfigured and suffering. The Zohar is a memory of that! The stupid piece of gold…HOW COULD YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING LIKE THAT!"

" I-I'm sorry…" said Allen, surprised at her outburst.

Shion ran off , in tears; not looking back.

" Shion!" cried Allen, " Wait! Am I wearing a dress?"  
**Meanwhile…**

Canaan had just returned from the bathroom. And yes, those curious; Realians do have nature call sometimes. Shion was running down the hall the same time as him; and crashed into him.

" I'm sorry…" she said, tears still in her eyes.

" You okay?" asked Canaan, breaking a very valid rule of machoness.

" Fine…" Shion answered, wiping some tears away.

Canaan didn't know what to do, so he handed her his gift. Shion opened it half-heartily, and smiled.

It was socks.

" I love it!" she cried, and flung her arms around him.

Cherry blossom flowers suddenly began falling around them, to set the moment. Ahh…anime clichés are fun; aren't they?

" You…do?" asked Canaan, awkward.

" Yes!" said Shion, " It's practical, useable, and unoffending! I think I found the perfect man!"

A zoom in on Canaan's face. A zoom in on Shion's. In that lower left area you can see the zit on her chin that the white blood cells worked so hard to fight off…oops, I'm supposed to do a love scene and I screwed it up. Oh well…

Anyway, Shion's face inched closer to Canaan, and he suddenly pulled back. And sneezed.

" Damn cherry blossoms," said Canaan, " I'm allergic to them. Where did they come from anyway?"

" I don't know…" admitted Shion, " But despite the fact that you sneezed and ruined our moment, I'm willing to give it another shot."  
She hugged him tighter, as Allen saw it all…

Luna: Aha! Bet you didn't see that coming! Next Chapter??? Or I haven't thought of a title yet! Review!


	8. Allen's REVENGE!

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga or Captain Planet. Nor do I want to. : shudders:

Luna: This chapter here is extra random! Thank you all kindly for the reviews! And I would've updated sooner if my life wasn't so annoyingly BUSY!

Chapter 8: Allen's REVENGE!

Allen had seen it all. Shion in Canaan's arms. The random cherry blossoms. The socks. And mostly the cherry blossoms that randomly appeared, to set the mood. Just where did they come from?

Allen felt betrayed. Canaan, who Allen considered a friend; stole Shion. Well, not that Shion was his anyway, but you get the point. He needed REVENGE! So he crept off to see an old friend…

****

Meanwhile…

Shion and Canaan walked back to the party hall, to find everyone doing the limbo.

" Hey, Shion," said Ziggy, " Are you okay?"

" I am now," said Shion, squeezing Canaan's hand in a cute way that may have cut off his circulation.

" YOU DON'T DERSERVE HIM!" I screamed, suddenly.

" THE VOICEEEE!" wailed Jin, " It has come for us!"  
" Good! Now here's my gift to you!" said Ziggy, ignoring me; as usual.

He handed her a box which Shion opened. It held 5 gold rings, each with a different symbol.

Shion took one out, examined it and said, " Earth?"

" Fire…" said Canaan, staring at one.

" Wind!" cried Jin, holding another ring.

" Water." said KOS-MOS.

" Heart!" cried MOMO.

And suddenly, the rings glowed and formed a blue person with green hair; in tights.

" With your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" he cried.

Everyone stared.

" Ziggy, is this part of my present?" asked Shion.

" Wait! Your not the Planteers!" said Captain Planet.

" Who are you?" asked Canaan, " And more importantly, what the hell are you?"  
" The power is yours!" he said.

" KOS-MOS, scan this guy." said Shion.

" 50 carbon based life form, 50 half-baked idea for a crappy show made by tree-hugging hippies on an acid trip." she said.

" Well, I guess I crashed the party." said Captain Planet, with a chuckle.

No one laughed.

" Tough crowd…"

" Well, who wants cake?" asked Jin.

There was mummers of agreement from the crowd.

" Hopefully its not curry flavored…" mumbled Shion.

Just then, Allen busted into the hall again.

" Guess what?" he cried.

Everyone was too busy shoveling cake down their throats. Ziggy went to grab a paper plate as Captain Planet said, " No! Using paper plates will hurt the environment! You'll kill baby seals and deplete the ozone layer!"

" All the seals are extinct." said Ziggy, " And our ozone layer is gone."

Captain Planet broke down into tears and shouted, " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

" Argh! Everyone!" said Allen, again, " I have an announcement!"

Still, people were having seconds and thirds.

" Hey! This whole ignoring thing is getting old so listen to Allen already!" I said, annoyed.

Everyone looked at Allen.

Miyuki was right beside him with a pretty, shiny ring.

" I asked Miyuki to marry me!" he said, " And we're getting married, right here and now!"

" Isn't he the most cutest, wuddle thing?" asked Miyuki, smiling, " And I'm marrying him because of true love! TRUE LOVEEE!"

These were the responses from the crowd:

" Congrats!" said MOMO, " It's going to be wonderful! With the flowers and stuff! YAY FLOWERS IN STUFF!"

All in favor of throwing MOMO into the nearest black hole, say 'I'. Anyway, back to the story…

" It is beneficial for you to reproduce to stop the extinction of your species." said KOS-MOS.

" Woot. Now pass the cake!" said Ziggy.

" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Captain Planet.

" This is…sudden." said Jin.

The whole time, Allen didn't see Shion or Canaan around. They were off, uh, talking. Yeah…talking. Anyway, you may ask me, " Luna-Starr, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHATS UP WITH THE RANDOM MARRIAGE?" Well, you see, to answer that question, we'll have to have a flashback. During the time when Capt. Idiot was released, Allen had asked advice of the worst type…

****

Flashback!

Allen decided to find Chaos and ask him for advice on REVENGE! So he found our silver-haired mischief maker loitering, he was living on the edge..

" Chaos, I want revenge on Shion and Canaan for betraying me," he said, " Teach me your ways!"  
Unknown to Allen, Chaos saw this as a perfect opportunity to take advantage of him. And make a fool of him. Big time.

" Ask Miyuki to get married." Chaos responded.

" What!"

" You heard me. Once you two get married, Shion will get jealous and realize how much she misses you. And at the last second, when the priest says ' If anyone has a reason this 2 should not be wed, speak now'; she'll get up and speak her love for you."

" Oh…I see…But will Miyuki agree?"

" …Well, just tell her Mr. Abraham Lincoln says you should."

" Okay! Thanks Chaos!"

And Allen, our dumb friend, went along his merry way. Until he realized that Mr. Abe Lincoln was a metaphor for 5 dollars. Or was it 10...? He just gave her 39 dollars. And with that, the wheels were in motion for Allen's ultimate 'revenge.'

Luna: Those confused on who Captain Planet is, he's from a kid's show in the early 90's. Very corny and incredibly stupid, I threw him in there for no apparent reason. Next Chapter: The wedding.


	9. The Wedding

Disclaimer: No no, NOOOO! I most certainly do not own Xenosaga OR Captain Planet. And even if I did, I would be too embarrassed to admit I owned Capt. Planet. Which I don't. Or the song ' Stop in the name of Love'. Or anything of or from " The Chip N Dales corporation" : if that's how u spell it:

Luna: The last Chapter…: sheds a tear: Anyway, to **AmisstheAries: **Heheh, good idea! Don't worry, my pretty Canaan will not end up w/ a total idiot like Shion; even if it means I have to make it look like an accident…Thanks for your review, and I hope you update your fic soon. And its interesting to see I'm not the only one who knows the Captain Planet theme song. SAVE THE TREES, EVERYONE! **All reviewers:** Thanks again for your support! Now relax, get some popcorn and witness the depths of Allen's everlasting stupidity!

Chapter 9: The Wedding

Shion and Canaan had just gotten back from…talking when they noticed Allen on an altar. Well, it was made of cardboard, but hey; a crappy altar nonetheless. And Miyuki in a wedding dress.

" Hey! What's going on?" asked Shion.

" The ocean, the seals, the ozone layer…GONE!" cried Captain Planet, having another compulsive breakdown.

" No…I mean, with the wedding…" said Shion.

" Oh. They're getting married. AND LOOTING AND POLLUTING, IS NOT THE WAY!" said Captain Planet.

Shion blinked. She had no idea that Allen was in love with Miyuki. Maybe he being in love w/ her was a cover-up for him loving Miyuki…? She thought, dumbly.

" Allen, congrats!" she shouted, while clinching to Canaan's arm; as I made a mental note to strangle her as soon as possible.

Allen smiled, inwardly panicking. What if she doesn't say anything to stop it? He thought, in horror, And I'll be married to Miyuki! But Allen, always the dumb optimist; figured that Shion was good at hiding her emotions to make it a big surprise when she protested to the wedding and confessed her undying love for him. Poor, stupid, Allen.

" AHAHAHAHA!" laughed Miyuki, " I am getting married before you, Shion! Sure, you saved the world, er, universe; but you don't have a husband and I will!"

" So?" said Shion, " I have Canaan."

" NOT FOR LONG!" I cried, " You couldn't of picked Jr., Albedo, Ziggy or even incest with Jin.-"  
At the mention of incest, several people shrieked in horror and a random lightning bolt struck.

" But no one, NO ONE TAKES MY FAVORITE SECONDARY character!"

" Eh?" said Canaan, " What was that?"

" The wind," said Shion.

" No! NOT THE WIND! THE VOICE! LUNA-STARR!" I cried, annoyed.

Jin screamed in horror. And a pig walked into the hall.

" Porky?" cried Ziggy.

The pig glared at Ziggy and said, " My name is William Redste the 3rd. And I will be the one wedding these 2 young folk."

" But Porky! Your Porky and I love you!" cried Ziggy.

Silence. Complete and total. And no fair viewers, their love was pure and wholesome; not that sick thing you were thinking of!

Porky glared at him, and walked up to the cardboard altar.

" Do you, Allen Ridgely, take Miyuki…uh…does she even have a last name?" asked Porky.

Allen shook his head.

" I do!" shouted Miyuki.

" I do…" said Allen, giving an longing glance to Shion, who was talking to Canaan. And yes, ACTAULLY talking, not the other thing.

" And if someone in this audience has a reason these 2 should not be wed, speak now; or forever hold your peace."

" STOP!" cried Albedo, dressed in a sparkly tux, " IN THE NAME OF LOVE! BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART!"

" How did I break your heart?" asked Porky.

" Sorry. I just wanted to make a grand entrance." said Albedo.

" Oh. So it anybody has a reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Allen looked over to Shion, practically begging her to say something. Instead, she grinned and flashed him the thumbs up sign. Allen realized how doomed he was.

****

10 years later…

Much to everyone's surprise, Allen is still happily married with Miyuki. They have 3 kids, and live in the suburbs.

Captain Planet was killed by KOS-MOS, she poked him; and he died from in his words 'too much pollution'.

MOMO is still 12, as is Jr. Jr.'s an angry, angry little, sweet 12 year old- I mean, man.

Jin finally learned to read, and has even authored his own book called " I can reed!" by Gin Uzki. It was a best seller.

Ziggy finally got over Porky, and found a flying cat instead.

AS for Shion and Canaan, well; CANAAN IS MINE! And Shion has no man! BECAUSE CANAAN IS MINE:: laughs manically: Ahem. Sorry.

Albedo decided to join the Chip N Dales corporation. He gets many dollar bills in his waist band.

Chaos…is…er…some where.

****

THE END.

Luna: I hoped you liked the ending! And the Chip N Dales corp. : still don't think I spelt it right: is a group of male dancers/strippers. I also have a new Xenosaga fic that will be posted by next week : hopefully: centered around Canaan; and no, its not a parody. Well, I'm off!


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